A Reddit user is stirring up reactions after saying she refuses to help her mother raise a child born of an affair between her then-husband and her estranged now-dead sister, even if it means her niece ends up in foster care.
A recent post in Reddit's "Am I the A**hole?" forum dives into one woman's complex family dynamic. Her mother can't understand why she wants nothing to do with her dead sister's child --and it's damaging their relationship.
After the sister's death, custody went to their mother, who is struggling with her health and finances under the added responsibility of raising a 4-year-old.
"I told my mom I love her. But I can't be selfless enough to want to help the child," the post reads. "I told her I know that's hard for her to hear but a part of me will always hate her parents. There will always be a level of disgust I feel toward my sister (even now she's dead)."
The disgust stems from the fact that the child's father is the now-former husband of the Reddit user. Several years ago, during their marriage, her husband had an affair with her sister.
"I told my sister once she did that to me she was dead to me and I would never forgive her or want to see her again," she wrote. "I never forgave her and still don't. I have zero regrets now that she's gone."
The affair led to her sister's pregnancy.
"I have a problem that leads to infertility so it was an especially big betrayal for me," the post explains.
"I never met her child," the Redditor went on. "I have no interest in being a part of their life even now." According to the post, the father is currently evading child support, indicating he isn't interested in stepping up either.
The woman says she's in therapy and worked hard to move forward but doesn't see any possibility of ever loving the child "given what their birth symbolizes."
Her mother is angry that she'd rather see the child go to foster care than be in their life. "I'd sleep better with that than having them in my life," she says, asking if that makes her the a**hole.
The commenters largely agree that the poster is "Not the A**hole."
Many respect her for maintaining her boundaries. "I actually applaud you for knowing your limits and not subjecting this child to anger or hate," one comment says.
The consensus seems to be that the father is at fault.
"Why are women always expected to clean up the messes of useless men even after they betray us?" a user asks. "F@&# that shit, I put a stop to that expectation from me decades ago. Not your circus, not your affair baby."
"No one can force you to love or care for that child," another comment says. "If anyone should step up, it's the kid's father, not you."
A handful of people condemned the mother for pressuring her daughter.
"I would have already stopped talking to her," a less patient poster wrote.
Others expressed sympathy for the difficult situation she was in as well.
"Your feelings are perfectly valid however your mom is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She's grieving the loss of her daughter whilst trying to raise her grandchild and also support your feelings." They gently suggested, "Can you offer practical support?"
Practical support was a tentpole of many comments encouraging the woman or the grandmother to "track down" the father, and hold him financially accountable for his child. The Original Poster was also encouraged to point the grandmother towards social services like SNAP for help with food costs and survivor benefits the child might be eligible for.
A more hotly debated recommendation was pursuing adoption.
"The kindest thing your mom can do for that child is to have him adopted by a family that has no ties to any of you or the circumstances of his birth," one comment said. "Trying to force people who don't want him in their lives to take him is incredibly selfish and cruel on her part."
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